Saturday, February 21, 2009

Friday The 13th (2009)

Tonight I am an asshole.

More so than I usually am. Why? Because I saw the "Friday The 13th" remake (or reboot, an asshole cinematic term if there ever was one). I was excited because these movies were always events for me as a kid, at least starting with the third one. Jason in 3-D? Hell yeah! The final chapter? Oh, hell yeah! New beginning? Jason lives? New blood? Takes Manhattan? GOES TO HELL?!?! HELL FUCKING YEAH!!! The last two films in the series, "Jason X" and "Freddy Vs. Jason", were the most fun. Films that stretched the genre in, if not truly original ways, very imaginative ones. No high art needed. No high minded plot devices. Just some semi-sympathetic people doing very stupid things, getting killed by some mongoloid force of nature. Scary shit, indeed. I knew what I was getting into, I wanted to be entertained, and I got what I wanted.

Now? I'm just an asshole for having seen this latest Hollywood turd, an asshole for having taken John to go see it, an asshole for not walking out on it and an asshole for paying $12.50 in an attempt to satiate my low brow, slasher needs. I watched a film about a bunch of assholes, doing asshole things to each other and getting killed for it...

This film reminded me of Rob Zombie's "Halloween" reboot (ha, what an asshole!), only with less exposition and even more annoying flash cuts (I was half expecting Jason to do some kung fu moves on his victims, but no, the audience was spared that inanity). With the new "Friday The 13th", any kind of heartfelt explanation, no matter how awkward or ill advised, would have been appreciated.

Since this film was produced and directed by the same idiots who bank rolled and shit out "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" reboots (ha ha, God loves a ranting asshole!), it looks like those in terms of lighting and editing (nice to see that Daniel Pearl, the DP for the original "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", was doing similar duties on this one).

And to top off my night of unfulfilled and shredded desires, while driving John back to his bike, I saw a poster for the "Last House On The Left" reboot (ha ha ha, ha ha ha, HA HA HA!). If the 2009 version of "Friday The 13th" can make 42 million dollars in just one weekend (I think  I just felt Linda Cowgill stick a pin in her voodoo doll of me. She must be so proud...), then who knows? As PT Barnum said, there's one born every minute...

A disturbing trend I've noticed about these films (at least the ones made after 2000) is the prominence of surgically enhanced breasts in the more salacious scenes. Is that a new subtextual theme replacing the old "have sex, then die" modus operandi? Hmmm... 

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