Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Last House On The Left (2009)

This has to stop... NOW!

These choads need to stop remaking old horror movies from the 70s and 80s (hell, even from the 00s!). Updating or rebooting (ha, asshole!) these movies has given us only faster and dumber movies and more edit-induced headaches than even the staunchest of horror fans can stomach (although this film spared the audience of having to endure an entire film of flash cuts and instead just bored us to tears with wooden characters and terrible screenwriting. Linda would be beside herself trying to find praise within such a crass and insulting script...)

We saw a preview of this worthless turd last week because we were told that Wes Craven would be doing a Q&A session afterwards. We even saw a little red carpet rolled out in front of the theater, ostensibly for some Hollywood muckity-muck to come parading through a very small doorway into the theater. But who the hell would want to stick around to answer questions about rape and murder? And that ending? I admit, I jumped a little in my seat, just grateful that these guys knew that what they were making was a filthy, stupid joke. But the original was no joke. It was mean and gory and let the audience know that it had to pay for enjoying so much carnage and degradation on screen. The reboot (ASSHOLE!) wanted to rub the audience's face in grime then laugh it off at the end...

Skip this wretched flick. Or download it off of Bit Torrent, if you really want to see it. You'd be better off renting "Funny Games" (which I borrowed from a friend later that night) or watching the original.

Doesn't "Watchmen" open this week?

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